The Tale of Chester and the Coon
There's bad blood between my dawg Chester and the Coon that is on the dole around our house, eating the corn and birdseed my big-hearted wife puts out for him. Unlike Eddie the Raccoon, this guy is for real. Anyone who has ever been close to a raccoon knows they can be very ferocious if agitated. And quick.

There was a time period in the early spring when the coon first set up his routine. He'd wait for the house to quiet down and bust his move to the birdfeeder. Chester would wander out onto the porch and realize THERE'S A COON IN THE YARD! I'd stumble out and get the dog away from the birdfeeder where the coon was delicately balancing. It worked well; Chester got to "tree" the coon on top of the feeder, the coon got some birdseed, and everything was good...until.

All went as rehearsed many times before. Dog corners coon on the birdfeeder. Mexican standoff--the coon's not going to move and Chester's not going to abandon his prize until I pull him away. Everyone saves face, like a diplomatic haiku. But this must have been a scab coon, not familiar with the drill. As I leaned in to pull Chester back by the scruff, the coon apparently decided he would make a run for it. And in the words of Curious George "Oh what happened!"

As soon as the coon hit the ground, Chester was on him. Too soon. Given no retreat, the coon latched on to Chester's nose. This created a sound I've never heard from him, either before or since. It was a high-pitched squealing alarm, which, being reinforced by the sight of him spinning around in a circle (with the coon flailing all arms and legs holding on for dear life to his nose) made me back up two steps. This encounter technically was between three animals but I quickly employed the only advantage I had in the scrap (a bigger brain) and moved back. Eventually Chester threw the toothy coon off his nose and chased him up the nearest tree. By then I was laughing--the sight of the coon spinning around on my dog's nose was too....damn...funny. It was like a coon-dog tilt-a-whirl.

Chester returned to me looking like "Daddy, did you see what that coon just did?" I stifled my laughter, looked at the tiny blood spot on his nose, and told him to come inside.

Oh--it's been on every since then...