The Christmas Story

The Wise Men

[No one remembers the names of the Wise Men so I've decided to call them Larry, Moe, and Curly.]

[The setting: an observatory in the Far East]

LARRY: "What's that?"

MOE: "What's what?"

LARRY: "There, (pointing to the east at a star) that."

CURLY: "Whoop whoop whoop!"

MOE: "I've never seen it before. No wanderers [planets] are due there."

LARRY: "Alright you wise guys! Who's been messin' with my settings?"

CURLY: "Whoop whoop whoop!"

LARRY: "Aww you knuckleheads. Let's go to sleep."

[As the three wise men sleep, they are told in their dreams the star in the east is a harbinger of a great king being born. The next morning around coffee...]

LARRY: "You know, I heard something last night..."

MOE: "Me too."

CURLY: "Whoop whoop whoop." (Blows a horn).

LARRY: "I'm thinking this star aint exactly nothin' ordinary. It's a sign we should witness"

MOE: "I was thinkin' just the same thing...'cept I heard there's a king comin'. Who's king? What country?"

CURLY: "Whoop whoop whoop." (Gurgles some horn bubbbles into his cereal.)

LARRY: "I think he's a king for all countries...I don't know. I just think we should go. Wouldn't hurt to take some goodies either."

[Off go the three wise men, traveling the spice route loaded with frankincense and myrrh with camels and caravans and silk carpets and goat's meat. Gold, oh yeah, got that too. They traverse long stretches, always watching a star in the east,shining stubbornly and brightly: brighter than any planet or comet any had seen before. They arrive in Judea and are greeted warmly by Herod, ruler under the Roman Empire.]

HEROD: "Greetings my guests. What news do you bring from the East?"

LARRY: "The news is good...taxes are down, the economy is good, and our Gods smile on us. Our enemies cringe, our allies rejoice. It's all good."

CURLY: "Whoop whoop whooop."

HEROD: "I have news there is a king born under this moon, a Jew to rule the world."

MOE: "Jew? Never heard of him. Does he sing?"

LARRY: "Ruler eh? How'd you hear about that?"

HEROD: "It was a dream. My sages informed me this could threaten my rule."

LARRY: "Hey, wait a minute! Aint we lookin for the same ruler?"

HEROD: "Find him...(thinking silently) and bring back to this court news of his birth...we'll all give thanks."

[The wise men set our once again, guided by the extraordinary light. Just as it seemed to shift it would again shine steady and clear, ever guiding. After several turns through densely populated streets, thick with the taxpayers met by royal decree, the three wise men walked for quite some time, passing rich fields of barley and oats, cows basking in the night's light, until they saw an inn, humble and road worn. Several shepherds stand around near a stable. An ass brayes beligerently.]

MOE: "Hey boys!I think we found our king. (Sniffing the air), He's really kickin'!"

CURLY: "Whoop whoop whoop."