Election Primer

The 2008 election is in full tilt now, some 18 months before the actual voting. Even though Diebold has already decided who will win, there's still going to be lots of teevee on this so, think of this as TV Guide for politics. Here now, as a public service announcement, is a primer on presidential candidates:

First up: Republicans...

Mitt Romney


Pros: Devilish good looks, good at going door to door, no Jennifer Flowers problems

Cons: Mormon, Flip-Flopper, Being confused with the Grecian Formula Guy...

Odds at being elected: 3:1

Comments: If only he were Amish...


John McCain


Pros: Vietnam POW, Experienced politician, "straight-talker",

Cons: Old. Very old. Older than Reagan old; Experienced politician (like Abscam); Bush sucker-upper (campaigned for W in 2004...)

Odds at being elected: 7:1

Comments: This guy missed his chance in 2000. Sorry WALNUTS, but the time of your time has come and gone as Steely Dan used to say...

Rudy Guiliani


Pros: 9/11, 9/11, 9/11

Cons: Press conference divorces, cross-dressing, egomaniac

Odds at being elected: 10:1

Comments: Wait till the rest of the country realizes the mess you've made of your life...

And now the Democrats:

John Edwards


Pros: Great hair, a Southerner (see Bill Clinton), Mill-worker's son, did I mention great hair?

Cons: Trial lawyer, how can he ever expect Merk & Co. to get on board?; accent; too many "Breck-girl" comparisons...

Odds at being elected: 4:1

Comments: I actually met this guy and liked him. But can we keep him away from the freaking mirror for 18 months?

Barak Obama


Pros: Can say all the black jokes he wants without the FCC getting involed (eat your heart out Imus), doesn't have a Senate record which will result in crap like "I voted before the bill before I voted against it", most buff.

Cons: He's ah, um...he's a negro (Note, this only applies in the South or wherever NASCAR is really big), middle name--OSAMA!, and he's a former? smoker.

Odds at being elected: 5:1

Comments: Dude, smoking gave you that voice--stick with it. And more Def Comedy Jam please...find your peeps!

And of course,

Hillary Clinton

Pros: Bill, first serious woman candidate for president, Bill

Cons: Every single snaggle-toothed redneck will come out to vote against her ensuring a Supreme Court which allows no redress for anyone unless you have a last name of Bush or Reagan, and a generation of control of the White House by two (2) families...

Odds at being elected: 2:1

Comments: May God help us all...

So I hope this helps. Yeah, I know there are some other people running for president but they don't have enough money to justify searching for their pictures. Now that Fred Thompson, he's got gravitas...